Along came Calculus

We had heard from the junior staff that was never wrong: we had failed our calculus mid semester exam. My face was straight. I was simply tired. I was tired of hearing Joe complain about how little we contributed to our studies. I was tired of seeing the confident faces of those who had obviously had really high grades. I was tired of punishing myself every time my calculus grades didn’t go as planned. And more than anything else, I was tired of having to promise myself I was going to put in more effort to make it up in my final exam. For some reason, that just frustrated me. It just told me I was going to be even sorrier if I wasn’t able to do it right. I was angry too. Angry that I would never be able to forgive myself. Angry that I had lost my love for mathematics-a subject I had loved so much since I could remember. Just like I had lost my love for science when I got to senior high school. It was all so irritating. I was tired of a system that dictated to me and simply told me I was average or merely good at something. And now I am irritated that I get excited when it calls me a success. I am writing this in frustration and just remembering a friend of mine in this day and time who never went to university because he wants to be his own boss. I don’t know what I want to be boss of but I just know I prefer a system that isn’t so dictating and yet ignorant of a lot of things. I thought I liked competition but then I realise I don’t. I actually don’t see the point; don’t see the need. I thought I liked winning but it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s all just an irrational system designed to make us feel we are using our time wisely. The only thing I find confidence in now is what one prophet described in the bible. Vanity. All is vanity. And one more. I am tired of those who never believe me whenever I speak of not doing well in a paper. Isn’t that what the nerds say? they remark, much to my annoyance. I have decided not to speak of the aftermath of any of my papers as a result.

Again, I am tired.


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